Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
You Might Also Like
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
💻🤡
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Every photo I’m tagged in
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.