My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
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Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
WHO DID THIS?
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Previously On Persistence 😎
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.