two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
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I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you