If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
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Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
one of
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it