I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
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911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Pretty certain I can more drunk
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.