“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
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[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.