[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
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62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.