Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
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[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
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I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow