*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
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dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
yea so i messed up lol
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
who will stop them
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…