I’m dying louder than usual today.
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NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
this is literally a CIA plant
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….