Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
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If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
*3.5 thank you very much.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”