[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
You Might Also Like
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week