My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
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[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
I’ve been learning to cook.