Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
You Might Also Like
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.