I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
You Might Also Like
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you