I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
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Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
I’m aging like a fine banana
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”