*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
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I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Oops
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me