I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
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Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
the prophecies have been fulfilled
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.