peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
You Might Also Like
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.