Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
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Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.