I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
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I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.