*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
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I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.