“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
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I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
I hate my earbuds.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
I support this random dude and all his protests
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King