[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
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It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.