Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
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My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
The point of your 20s
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
They also CAN sing✌️
time machine? you mean a clock?
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem