“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
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WHAT SIGN IS SHE
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
The French word for sex is croissant.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)