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Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
In Canada they just call them geese
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this