[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
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Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Woke up against my better judgment again
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
#ParentingFacts
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
any last words?
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up