What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
You Might Also Like
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
*Seductively hides in the woods
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha