Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
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Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?