Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
You Might Also Like
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
*updates tinder bio*
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]