*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
You Might Also Like
mathematically impossible
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.