I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
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me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…