my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
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Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review