A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
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daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
They also CAN sing✌️
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
“and how does that make you feel?”
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.