Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
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Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Not recommended for beginners.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.