In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
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7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.