*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
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Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
why no one uses midhusbands
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21