Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
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How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.