Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
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Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Did…did a minotaur write this
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Just ordered me some pizza!
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building