I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
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god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote