Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
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What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Cucumbers Anonymous
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
My patience has stretch marks.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”