I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
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What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.