[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
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Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Me My dog
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.