Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
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The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away