The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
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Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Worlds greatest photobomb
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.