Heroic Misunderstanding
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CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?