Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
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I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Happy Halloween 🎃
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind