I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
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We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.