me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
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I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Hitlers gonna hitl
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
yea so i messed up lol